My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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