Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
