I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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