We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We have so much sex to catch up on
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
