dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
