so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
