Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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