i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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