i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
