Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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