I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
