Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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