So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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