is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
