You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Farmville is her only friend.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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