dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
