You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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