no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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