I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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