Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
