if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
