I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
These tits shall not be calmed
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
