I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
