I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
