mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
