i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
