remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
