The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
