i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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