tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I need a burrito and a hug.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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