she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
BRING THE BAGELS
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
