Where is the hickey?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
