If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
