i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's official drugs can't kill me
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
