even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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