apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
