thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I believe in your delicious
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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