i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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