Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
