wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
