Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
