Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
