so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
