I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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