Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
