Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
