After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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