The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
