sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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