no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
