My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
