He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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