In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Bring me that man meat
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
