tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
